I encourage everyone to continue to follow this blog. I won’t be as prolific as Shay was. But, we will be keeping Shay’s memory alive and honoring her spirit in different ways (the 24 hours of booty ride, for instance.) This is where I will share that information in the future.
I’ll also use this blog to share information about the journey that Aidan and I are going to take together. Some of that stuff will be personal. Some of it will be of a more practical nature. I’ll tell you what happens when you need to shop at the cemetery and how to cancel a lease car for a deceased spouse. Stuff like that. I am blessed to have so many amazing friends and family to support me. My hope is that maybe someone who isn’t so fortunate will discover the blog when they need it and find that information helpful.
Driving home alone in my Jeep after my first date with Shay, I actually said out loud, “I’m going to marry her.” At the time, if she had heard me, she would have disagreed. But, I was persistent and ultimately I was right. We were really still newlyweds when we discovered the pain in her foot was cancer and that her leg would have to be amputated. At that time, we were both afraid she was going to die. We lied on the bed in our condo in midtown and cried for an afternoon. Then we went to Spaghetti Factory. It was surreal sitting in that train car in the middle of the restaurant eating that little bullshit spumoni dessert they give you and facing that daunting news. That memory is as vivid for me now as if it had happened this afternoon. There have been a few other days like that along the way. Not as many as you’d think.
That was twelve years ago. At the time, if we’d been told how much time we would have together, I don’t know if today would have seemed distant or if we would have recognized that it would go by as fast as it did. But, I do know that we would not have done anything differently.
When Shay lost her leg and did not yet have a prosthetic, she would put on a skirt and grab her crutches and we’d go out to the Alsatian restaurant near our house where they sing La Marseillaise on Bastille Day. Vacations were timed around chemo. Shay ran a successful business, sometimes from a hospital bed. She gave me a beautiful son and set him on a path that I know she’d be proud to see if she had the chance. She insisted on making Aidan’s lunch every day (he’s never seen a “Lunchable”.) When she was into Iron Chef, we flew to Philadelphia and ate at Morimoto. Then, it was Top Chef and we spent two days cooking with Hugh Acheson. Right up until the end, she wanted to get someone at HGTV to renovate our bathroom. Why not? She wanted chickens. So we have a coop in our suburban backyard.
She lived hard and she played hard, as they say.
The point is she lived. A lot. As a consequence I did, too. I’m sad about what I’ve lost. And I’m sad about everything she is going to miss. Not just the big stuff either. I’m sad she’s going to miss this year’s HGTV Dream Home or the next season of Orphan Black. Stupid stuff like that. But, I have no regrets or doubts about the way we used the time we had. We made all of those days count.
Shay made sure of it. She used her time wisely. This is especially true where Aidan is concerned. Her imprint is indelible, endearing (and at times even a little frustrating!) I can’t know all the ways this tremendous loss will color his life. But, I know he’s going to be OK. I know he’s growing up surrounded by love and I can see that he embodies all of the traits and values that I admired and loved in Shay. I hope some of those characteristics have rubbed off on me, too. She was an amazing mother, the finest person I ever knew, my best friend, and the love of my life. I miss her terribly.
Shay’s motto was “suck it up and deal with it.” That’s what we’re going to do.
What I am obsessed over now…
Readers! I have an obsession. A tiny obsession. If you watch any of the home improvement channels you my have come across shows regarding one of my tiny obsessions.
For the last few days, I have been spending hours at night on Pinterest looking at Tiny Houses. I have come across a few shows on HGTV. Tiny House Hunters, Tiny House, Big Living and Tiny House Builders.
I also watched a documentary about a couple who took a year to build a tiny house out in Colorado called Tiny. I loved it. It was interesting to see how much more difficult it was to build then they thought. They had no real construction experience but I think since it they figured it was small it would matter so much. It did. The end house turned out great. They had first thought it would take the summer but no. A Year. They were still both working at the time and ran into a few financial issues during the year which slowed them down a bit.
I have told My Man and The Boy, that after we get these tumors settled and get on our own financial house in order, that I want to buy some land in the GA mountains and put a tiny house on it. After watching and reading about it, I am thinking we would have to go over the standard 200 squared feet and have something around 500 to 550 square feet. I think that would be big enough from the three of us, the puppy and the cats (should they wish to travel that long in the car).
Of course this obsession might not last that long. Who knows. Although it has gotten me thinking about getting rid of the clutter in the home I live in now. I look around and think, why do we have so much stuff? We don’t need half it and it is just more for me to clean. The first room I will work on, once the pool table is removed, is my home office. It is a cluttered mess. Might do some much-needed painting since we have a lot left over from the rec room.
Tiny Terrariums and Marimo Moss Balls
Isn’t that the coolest thing? My Man doesn’t get my obsession of the little moss-green balls but when I look at them, I feel calm. I have two of them in the shopping cart on Etsy.
I have also always wanted a terrarium kit. I would love to have them all over the house but I know a certain
Simoncat who would knock them down and mess around with them. So if I get one, It will have to stay in my office at work, which is fine. I am going to try to do the whole de-clutter thing there too.
Readers, what do you think? You like the tiny houses? Like my choices in my shopping cart? What are you obsessing over recently?
It has been awhile…
Readers! I know I have been away for a bit. Last week was spent in the hospital for Cycle 4. They didn’t kick me out! The chemo went on fine but I did have a few issues. I threw up on Wednesday or Thursday (I can’t remember). I had also thrown up the morning before I checked in. I think that messed up my nerves/ribs/something because all hell broke loose on Thursday evening. My back and under my ribs were on fire. I was put on oxygen because I had problems breathing. They took an EKG to check my heart. They did a CT scan to check lungs. Everything came back fine. I asked for lots of pain killers and got some. Finally after one sleeping pill didn’t work they got a stronger one and it knocked me out. The pain lessened but was still worse than it was before I went into the hospital. It flared up again on Monday afternoon. Wasn’t as bad but still bad.
Thankfully the last two days have been good. Hopefully whatever got messed up or moved around has settled back in place and I can enjoy starting to feel better. I won’t go back into the hospital till the 6th of January. I am looking forward to steering clear of that place! Here are some pictures from the past week and a half. Please note, not all were taken by me. My friend Jennifer P. provided me with some.
Shout out to my lovely friends who bought me a Christmas bracelet and a WONDERFUL wine sippy cup! Perfect!
I have a few days to try make sense of Christmas. Oh I hope I make it through! Be Good Readers!
Hi Readers! How have you been? This week has been good. It has been nice going into the office and getting some much-needed work done. I will admit, it has been keeping me up at night. I think about all I need to do before the end of the year. I also think about how I need to grow my business next year and it keeps me up at night. Last night at 12:30am I finally broke down and took a sleeping pill. Once again, cancer tends to get in my way of doing things! Planning anything is so hard to do.
On the home front, My Man and I are starting to work on the rec room. You will remember how a few weeks ago Timber had a mass explosion all over the carpet in there. Well, what I didn’t tell you is that when we got home from the beach, we forgot to shut the door at night and he had another explosion. It was as “bad” as the first one but really, poo is poo. Needless to say, we are getting new tile to replace the disgusting carpet.
We have already cleaned out the room of all of The Boys toys and moved them all up to his room (which by the way, is a total wreak at the moment). The Boy and I went to Lowes after school today to pick up paint for the walls and ceiling. We will hopefully start painting this weekend. Once the painting is done, we will go ahead and order the tile. My Man has already had someone come in, take apart the pool table. It is now being stored in my home office. Needles to say, it is very crowded in my office.
Today we are getting a new dishwasher installed. For those you have been to our home in the past year and half, you know all about our current dishwasher. At this point only My Man and I can open the thing and when we do….ick! The thing smells. We have tried and tried to clean the thing but nothing worked. It also leaves a grim on our glasses and bowls. Sometimes we would end up having to re-wash more than half of our glasses. We ended up buying the thing right after we bought our house so we had no money and ended up buying a pretty cheap model. The time has come for a new one. I am very excited!
The new one is so pretty! I would have taken a picture of the inside which is stainless steel but it is running. It is so quite!! OMG! You can barely hear the damn thing. My Man is going to be thrilled.
This weekend will be spent painting the rec. room and watching the SEC Championship on Saturday. Roll Tide Roll Y’all!
Ok, maybe not…
Readers! They kicked me out! Yep, after taking my labs turns out I am not fit for chemo. My platelets are at a 75 and they need to be at least 100 before I can have chemo. I will go in next Monday to Dr. D’s office for labs to check everything (maybe should have done that this week) out and then check into the hospital on Tuesday.
Dr. D stopped by before I left and we had a long talk. She is so cool like that. She sits right down and talks to you. We discussed the possibility of the chemo getting rid of the tumors completely. She doesn’t think this will happen. Her goal is to get them as small as possible and then stabilize them. She rattled off all kinds of drugs and treatments she is thinking of possibly using. It will all depend on what is available when I am done with chemo. She is very positive. She told me not to go “there” in my thinking. I have no problem living with cancer and some tumors as long as I am living!
Thank you for all your thoughts and prayers Readers! Keep them coming.